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about the girl.
kym.
20.
born 29th september 1989.
working.
living for the sake of it.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
The internal struggles occurring within me are getting too much for me to bear. The mood swings are getting from bad to worse and I feel like a god damn hypocrite at work all the time. People are telling me things I know but don't want to hear. They are telling me to shut myself off so I won't get hurt in future. I know they mean well... but the line has already been cast.
I find myself getting really happy or really sad over the little things that happen each day in this little place I share with the kids. It was hard at first but now I feel like they're starting to open up to me... and just when I start to feel this way, everything is going to be taken away from me soon and I'll be back to square one.
I think that's why I've been a little defensive with the new teachers... Especially the one who was hired to take over this place after I get transferred. I don't think I'm treating her fairly but I can't help it, I'm possessive and a slight control freak, I don't like it when people take what I think should be mine. I'm not saying I should have sole control over the discipline of the kids but I must admit, I was a little offended when she started trying to take control of things on her second day at work and talked to us as if we were wrong when she didn't know ANYTHING about the way we worked. If she were a senior/elder and worked as a teacher before like the new teachers in the morning, I'd understand and respect that but no, she's a total newbie at it so what gives her the right to question the way we work around here? When I was new, I just followed and learned, why can't she do that?
Plus, it's super important for the teachers to agree on things before going ahead with it because giving out different instructions to the kids or questioning each other's way of discipline just makes the situation worse. The kids are really smart, they know how to take advantage of any loophole they can find. Right now, judging from things, she won't be able to control the kids at all when Ms T and I are gone.
Also to be honest, she's being too friendly that it's irking me and making me even more cautious of her. I won't mince my words, I don't like her. I feel like she's being super fake and acting like a know-it-all, I hate people like that. I try not to show it but subconsciously I know my tone, choice of words and body language are all showing my extreme dislike for her. I even hinted for her to ask to be transferred over to the new place instead of me because she lives nearer to the new centre while I live nearer to this old one. Yeah I know, fat hope. Maybe I should just screw up majorly at work and get fired or something.
I wish I wasn't so childish... But I am. How anyone stands me, I have no idea. no where, at all.10:13 pm
