Monday, October 12, 2009

Was just randomly chatting with a friend when the topic somehow led to us talking about changing our bad points. He asked if I thought I knew myself well since knowing what to change is always the first step and I've come to the conclusion that I know myself really well, but I don't understand myself (or my actions/thoughts) most of the time, if that even makes sense.

I suppose I was naive. Things used to always work out really well.... IN MY MIND. And then I expect the same scenario to happen in real life. But chances are 95% of the time either life chooses to be a bitch or my lack of effort causes major problems. Therefore nowadays I think it's easier for me to not expect anything or just think the worst about things, so to speak. Without expectations, there can't be disappointment.

I'm a really lazy person. So lazy that I think 'Sloth' should be my middle name. I need to be really really motivated and passionate about something for me to put in a lot of effort. And even then, if I suffer a small setback doing the things I like, I get very discouraged and my motivation starts leaking like a balloon being deflated.

I'm also a very insecure person. Just insecure about everything... Family, friends, boyfriends school, work and most of all, myself. I wasn't always like this actually.. In fact, I used to be a really confident person, always eager to impress and wanting to stand out. I think secondary school left a REALLY huge impact because it was then that I started to change. I was being bullied in school everyday, you see. So all I wanted was to hide in a corner and not be noticed, to just go with the flow and avoid trouble. Also didn't help that the group of people I sort of hung out with in secondary school were the elite and kiasu type. They always compared grades and made me feel really shitty about myself. It was a hard blow to take since I was always in the top three in primary school. As mentioned earlier, once I get discouraged, it's the end of things. I ended up not studying and not doing my homework at all because I deemed it to be "useless". I was convinced that no matter what I did, I wouldn't be able to compete with these elite model students.

I told myself I'd change in poly, but I suppose the habits and thoughts I've developed in those 4 years were all too hard to shake off. Because I didn't have many close friends in secondary school, I tried my best to make friends in poly. Soon I find myself appear to be the kind of person that keeps "jumping cliques" and my plan obviously backfired. All along I thought being a loyal friend was actually one of my few good traits and this one comment about me jumping cliques just really made me doubt myself.

I'm a really confused/conflicted person. Sometimes I like being by myself, having some quiet time alone and yet I get lonely easily. Other times I like having big gatherings and enjoying other people's company but I get really awkward around people because I'm too self-conscious. I care too much about what other people think of me and that's been something I've been meaning to change since a long time ago. Not working so far. =/

I'm selfish and gets jealous easily. In other words, I think I'm possessive. I never did like sharing ever since I was a kid. I always try my best not to show these traits at all because they make me seem childish and petty so most of the time I just keep things to myself and smile like nothing's wrong.

I'm really really overly sensitive. To words, to things, to small actions or expressions. Sometimes it helps to be sensitive, but being overly sensitive just makes me even more self-conscious. But as usual, when I'm upset over something I'll keep it to myself and pretend nothing's wrong. I prefer making myself feel miserable and eventually getting over it to making a big fuss and possibly causing an unnecessary scene that will upset everyone.

Maybe like she said, I'm really just a "shallow and needy person".

This is the most I've revealed about myself in public like this but I suppose it's the only way I can face up to the truth, stop hiding and attempt to do something about it.

So, do you think you know yourself well?

no where, at all. 5:16 am

about the girl.

Monday, October 12, 2009

next best thing to kbox: cbox.

the past that haunts her.

thanks.