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about the girl.
kym.
20.
born 29th september 1989.
working.
living for the sake of it.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
There are times when I wonder why things turned out the way they did. Is it my fault after all? Every single time, when I think I've completely put it behind me, something happens that slaps me in the face and tells me I haven't really gotten over anything. All this time I waste staying up at night succumbing to insomnia and thinking about the past, present and future, I could've accomplished so much more.
I honestly don't know what I'm upset about most of the time. Is it about the things that are happening around me? Is it about the people around me? Is it about the bad decisions I make? Or am I just irritated with myself and the way I am?
I guess the conclusion I come to every single time is that everything stems from me and it's all my fault. I think.. I've grown so accustomed to blaming myself that I've become over-sensitive and I get hurt pretty easily. Sure I'm sensitive to other people's feelings which is good, but I honestly think too much and care too much about what other people think of me. I tell people not to care about the opinions of people that don't matter but as usual, nobody takes their own advice. I care about the opinions of people that don't matter to me.. and I just get affected sooooo much more about the people that matter.
Every little line you say, or every little action you do, it might be nothing to you but it might mean the world to me, whether in a good or bad way. This might sound far-fetched but I can read underlying 'tones' and messages from just an sms and 90% of the time, I get them right. Needless to say, a conversation on the phone tells me so much more than what is being said and I seriously get troubled when I can sense something wrong and yet nothing is being said.
Today, you called me and I don't know what made me want to pick up that call, knowing nothing good would come out of it but I heard the distress in your voice. Quit telling me you're fine, quit telling me you're just calling to see how I'm doing, I know you better than that. We may have ended on very bad terms but you know me and you know I'm always ready to lend a listening ear to someone in trouble, even if its you. I trusted you once, you broke that trust so its not coming back, but I don't think that should stop me from doing the least a friend could do. Yes, I still regard you as a friend. Nothing more. And don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly forgiving you totally and putting everything behind me, its just that I'd do this for any friend of mine. I know the pain of having troubles and yet having nobody to talk to so I told myself I'll never let it happen to anybody I even remotely care about.
On a side note, work is really starting to be a bitch and my boss is an even bigger bitch. So there, I am busy, tired, sick and irritated every single day so I'm not 'purposely avoiding you'.
Fuck this shit.
Love, One Helluva Pissed Off Girl no where, at all.12:50 am
