Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I was supposed to go to bed. But once again, I'm being a freaking irritating insomniac. So I was just thinking about lots of stuff as usual and our acting discussion about social butterflies and them not having anyone to really open up to got me thinking...

And I think.. I need to have someone I can call my own again.

A new best friend? ... I really need to move on properly, but I doubt anyone would ever like me as much as she did or be as tolerant of me as she did. Sure, I have a few close friends I can talk to now, but I have this feeling that once we graduate, we'll drift and drift till we no longer speak to each other. And I know I'm not so memorable that people would make an effort to contact me.

A new boyfriend? ... Not like I have a say in this, if you're one of those 'close friends' that I mentioned above, you probably know why. Besides, I know I'm not up to standard so if I were him, I'd choose someone else too. Yes, you just witnessed low self-esteem, hope you liked it.

... okay I think I sounded demanding. No, I don't want to 'possess' someone, I don't need company all the time, I just want to feel secure and always know that whatever I'm giving to/feeling for the other person, it's being reciprocated. I absolutely hate the uneasy feeling that I might be being pushy or an irritant to the other person when I'm trying to show concern. I don't exactly know what's the right amount of concern before I go over the top, you see. I have so much more to give but I hold back, not because I lack confidence in the other party, but actually in myself... I think. Questions like, "What if they really don't like me? If I'm too concerned, will they be irritated?" or "Maybe he/she doesn't want to share things with me.. am I being pushy?" or maybe even "Hmm, he/she has his/her own close friends to talk to.. should I back away?" automatically come up in my mind dozens of times daily. I suppose I'm trying to protect myself in a way. Yes, call me a coward or whatever.

I don't want to always be the one making the first move, planning meetings, initiating conversations or asking if people need a listening ear, I want to be the kind of person that people can trust and would naturally think of going to if they needed someone. This might sound weird or cliched, but really, I do gain happiness through other people's joy. To be honest, as long as I don't have a grudge against you or don't wish death upon you, I think I'd offer my help if I could and if you needed it. Anyone close enough will know I value friends more than anything else in the world since I didn't grow up in a very tight-knit family, I try to keep my friends as close as possible.

But alas, not everyone feels this way, I know some of my friends don't even need friends. Some of them have their spouses, some have a really tight family or some just enjoy being alone and have no qualms about that. As long as one is happy, it's good.

I don't think I'm asking for much really, all I want is just one or two people I can truly be honest to again, then I'm contented. Right now, I'm not even sure if there are any.

I guess this post says a lot about my personality, and I know it looks pretty bad. But, it's what I think and it is what's keeping me awake, I had to get it out of my system somehow. I apologise if you think you wasted time reading this crap.

no where, at all. 1:56 am

about the girl.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

next best thing to kbox: cbox.

the past that haunts her.

thanks.