Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Disclaimer: This is going to be long, long emo post with nothing meaningful. Please ignore it if you don't want to/cannot afford to waste time.

I think.. I'm at the ultimate low in my 19 years of life. I used to think I had bad streaks of crappyness, but this one now just tops it and puts the others to shame.

The amount of times I've thought about giving up this sem equates to more than the total of the other 5 sems put together. That itself is really ironic since this is the final semester and if I give up, that would be just so fucking dumb. Sure, Year 2 was tough, but somehow I wasn't this affected. Year 2, I kept feeling like I was dying, but nowadays I constantly feel like I'm already dead, if that even makes sense. I just don't have any motivation at all, nothing to keep me going and that's such a drag.

My mum warned me about Mass Comm, how tough it would be and how shitty it will get. But I went along with it anyway, being the stubborn person that strives to prove her sef-worth, wanting to show the world that she can do it. Sure, Mass Comm helped me grow up quite a bit and let me meet all sorts, and I mean ALL sorts of people.. I'm quite thankful for that. But it also showed me how easy it is to make or break friendships. No more of those "oooh let's stay friends forever!" or all the "let's share everything and help each other out!" crap, those are for secondary school. Now it's just "I'm friends with you now, because I need your help. We'll see about later." or "Sorry, I can't lend you my work for referencing, what if you score better than me?"

For a person that values friendships like me, I find that really absolutely fucking annoying and after 3 years of Mass Comm, I find it hard to trust anyone nowadays. Especially the work lending part, I do not fucking understand that concept because how the fuck would anyone benefit from other people scoring lower than them? Isn't it better if everyone could get high grades? Aren't friends supposed to help each other out? .. Oh wait, I forgot, you're not friends when you don't need their help. I'm not saying all of them are like that, but there are quite a few, and most people in MCM know it, just nobody is saying anything about it. I was going to keep quiet until one day, my grandma came up to me and told me the EXACT same things. She told me not to lend my work to others, just make sure I benefit myself.. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT!? I got so fucking irritated I went into my room and slammed the door shut.

On the topic of friendships, I was just telling someone yesterday night that I think there's something wrong with me. I can't keep my close friends for long and sooner or later, we either fall out really badly or we just drift apart. Or in HER case.. she just.. okay let's not go there. Maybe I'm viewing friendship as all too high and mighty, but for someone like me without a closely-knit family, friends are all I have. I think back on all these lost friendships and I just feel like it was such a waste and then I start blaming myself for possibly causing these splits. Anyway I think that's why I'm being so wary nowadays, I try to think so much before I speak that even conversing is becoming a stressful chore. This fear of offending someone unknowingly is just slowly eating away at me. I cannot.. fucking stand.. being ignored.. without knowing what the fuck is going on. Still on friends, I am trying to place the idea of losing my close friends after graduation to the back of my head. But evidently, it is not fucking working. It's already confirmed that a few will be leaving and as much as I am happy for them, I am also hating the whole notion. What a contradicting person I am.

Then comes the stress of deciding what to embark on for the next chapter of my life. I know I'm going to work, but as what? And will anyone employ me? Will I get to do what I want? Do I start sourcing now? How do I apply? What if I'm really bad at it? What if I get nowhere in life? Just endless... ENDLESS.. questions popping up in my mind. I hate feeling uncertain or unsure, I need some kind of confirmation. I think this is why instead of sleeping, I am here blogging at almost 3am.. I cannot fucking sleep because in my mind, my future seems pitch black.

You know what would be funny? .. Me failing something this sem and ending up having to stay back one sem. I really think I would laugh my fucking ass off. And seeing as how things are going, that possibility doesn't seem too far-fetched, hah.

Sometimes, I really question why humans strive so hard to live. We come into this world, slog with education, get compared to other people and stress ourselves out, then go out to work, stress ourselves again and then continue to slog till we die. Seems a little pointless, no? I know, I know, those of you going "No! Enjoy the little things that make you happy in life!" or "No, it's the process that matters!" .. I've heard those things all too much. But you cannot disagree, everything boils down to my view on life. So what if you do something great and get recognised as an important person in history? Do you not die? No. Do you go to the same place as everyone else that dies? Yes. In fact, you risk dying even earlier, but that's another story.

Ahhh, if it wasn't for my family.. If only I wasn't worried about how they'd feel... I think I would've killed myself by now. This is not a random emo statement, my view on life has ALWAYS been like this since late primary/early secondary, ever since I was old enough to ponder about life and make decisions. Friends made me thankful I was alive, but seeing as how things are going between my friends and I now.. It makes no difference whether I'm here or not. Call me emo, call me whatever, but I really want to end it, get it over and done with, rather than live a boring life for the next 50 years or so. Sometimes I even hope accidents happen to me ~~rather than people around me~~ so I can die and it won't be my fault. I must've at least come up with hundreds of creative ways to die in my mind since I was maybe about 13? But I think I'd still opt for the quick and painless ones.

no where, at all. 2:01 am

about the girl.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

next best thing to kbox: cbox.

the past that haunts her.

thanks.