Friday, January 30, 2009

"Girl you just can't dance forever."

"And there's no destiny, when everyone's your enemy."

I believe in karma. I believe it'll always come back to bite you in the ass like a bitch.

no where, at all. 4:57 am

Thursday, January 29, 2009

So depressed over that one issue today.

I was told so much stuff about it, but I can't tell him about it now can I? It'll make it seem like I'm blaming him, and that's the last thing I want to do or even think of doing. Besides, I'm not even sure what the real problem was, despite what people say.

GAH!! Forget it, what's done cannot be undone. Shall rant here and that's that.

Also, I have been receiving many letters lately. Letters from the government about serving my bond, from NTU about further studies, from various institutes about financial schemes and some others I can't remember. All these things are just cluttering up my mind with endless thoughts and I'm really confused. I do NOT know what to do and it just totally scares me shitless to know that the end (of poly) is nearing and I have no plans for even the near future.

I think I'd better go for the NTU talk this Saturday.. Just get to know more first and see if I'm really interested. And if I am.. then I'll worry about the expenses later on. :S

I think that's all I can do now. Okay, done with blogging, now back to work.

P.S. Thanks to Geri who took all the trouble to help me find out about fees, tuition grants and constantly helping by offering solutions to my monetary woes, haha. (:

Speaking of monetary woes, I'll treat you back to a sandwich next time. :D

no where, at all. 4:52 am

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Just a few of my secrets.

I wish the last one would come true.
But I know nobody can replace you.

no where, at all. 10:41 am

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Wah fuck another sleepless night.

HONG GAN LOR! Damn kanasai one leh.

I am officially warning people out there.. DO NOT LET YOUR FRIENDS/CHILDREN/MOTHER/FATHER/MOTHER FRIEND/FATHER FRIEND/SISTER/BROTHER/ANYONE YOU KNOW ENTER MASS COMM.

DO NOT DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE! I swear I have 20 years lesser to live after spending 3 years here. Zzzzzzz! Want me to go Chapman somemore?! See this place also sian already lor! I am getting out of here ASAP! :@

CHICKEN NEH NEH!

no where, at all. 3:59 am

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I forgot to update after that emo last post. I am fine now because Mr McTurk got my tape to work already so I is happy. THANKS A LOT MR MCTURK! However, due to that whole fiasco, I developed a bad headache and it hasn't gone away even till now. :(

So I went drinking with the watch stealer earlier and I'm really glad I did, amidst all the work and all. I haven't laughed so much in a while really, and that's just sad :( I also just realised how long we haven't went.. think the last time was in the middle of IAP/IBP? I think we were all trying to save money so we didn't go lol. Either that or we were just avoiding the haunted toilet :P Really managed to talk about a lot of stuff and I feel much much better after this awesome session, hope you cheered up about *insert school stuff I better not mention* too! Thanks for always being there and I is love you deep deep like the sea too haha <33333 [Yes I read your blog and copied.]

Anyway, fun times are over and now it's back to reality =/ I have so many things to do this week it's not even funny anymore.. Masina, DocPro, Radio Journ and even WISP! .. They're all coming together now :( .. Why can't lecturers like sit together to plan schedules so that at least all the deadlines don't clash? :(

Okay fine I shall stop ranting and try to go sleep now since my brain is switching off by itself.

P.S. Geri, you is no be an angsty piece of shit k! Beeee haaaapppppppyyyy! If not, you can just whine to me... or something... or watch Bloody Monday! The series is complete now and since your advert is just over :D I hope nothing is wrong with Lucky!

P.P.S. I would've so written the above on your blog.. except your blog is SO FUCKING STUPID (just like you) AND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO USE IT! :@ So... yeah. :P

no where, at all. 12:56 am

Monday, January 19, 2009

I have never in my life been so depressed over school work before... Other than that time in primary school when I failed a math test. But that was a different story, I thought I was going to get caned.

Well this time it's serious, I have never had a stronger urge to cry over school work and I'm trying my hardest to contain it. I think the more I talk about it, the more I'm likely to lose control and cry over it.

What I cannot take, are the sarcastic comments given by the fucking TSOs. I am fucking sad enough, I do not need your crocodile tears and sarcasm, much less your lectures on how we failed to do "tape-care", which is something we never even learned before and is only practised like 9857676 years ago when you were actually not a loser and actually did filming with huge rolls of oldskool tape.

I have been in this digitising studio for the past three hours, trying over and over from time to time to digitise this fucking tape in hopes of it miraculously working somehow. But so far to no avail. I really feel a fever coming on and I feel like my head's about to burst. I can't fucking think straight and much less carry a proper convo with anyone so I've been plugging my earphones and blasting loud music to clear my head. And that, isn't working either.

How ironic. The song on now is titled "Save Me".

Yes... GOD DAMN FUCKING SAVE ME. :@

no where, at all. 4:01 pm

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I feel so damn wretched.

Such a small gesture. Probably something he wouldn't even think twice about, and yet it melted me away.

Not exactly a gift, but I sure will treasure it. It might just be the only thing I'll have left in the future to remind me of these good times with him.

But seriously, today didn't help at all with my plan of forgetting about it. Sigh, back to square one.

no where, at all. 12:22 am

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Mondays and Tuesdays are just my shittiest days. Ever.

---------------

I hate everything about you.
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you.
Why do I love you?

- Three Days Grace

no where, at all. 12:48 am

Monday, January 12, 2009

So many fucking things to do.

So little time.

Surviving on 2 hours of sleep.

Fuck, life is just great.

no where, at all. 2:49 pm

Scoopie doo-bee doooo, where are youuuu.
Gib is looking for you nowwww.
Scoopie doo-bee doooo, where are youuu?
Gib wants your number now!

HAHAHAHAH! :P

no where, at all. 2:28 am

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I think I have every reason to be mad.

... but somehow I just can't bring myself to it.

---------------------------------

The insomnia is back, I don't know why, but it usually spells bad news so I suppose I should be worried. It's Saturday and I have to head to school for Open House duty in the morning, yet now I can't sleep, just great.

It got so bad the other night that I had to rely on alcohol to sleep, pathetic I know. I think I went a little overboard on it though, since I woke up with a slight hangover, what a loser way to get a hangover, heh. I'm trying not to make the "alcohol as a cure for insomnia" thing a habit so these past few nights, I haven't been sleeping very well.

Sigh, so worried about this coming year. What to dooooooo? =/ Shall pray hard that at least 1 of them will accept me. Mm, shall pray for things to go smoothly for people intending to further their studies too. Aaaand for the guys heading to NS.

5 more weeks of school. 2 weeks break. Exams. Then it's over.

Must. Psycho. Self. To. Stay. Focused!!

no where, at all. 12:44 am

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Disclaimer: This is going to be long, long emo post with nothing meaningful. Please ignore it if you don't want to/cannot afford to waste time.

I think.. I'm at the ultimate low in my 19 years of life. I used to think I had bad streaks of crappyness, but this one now just tops it and puts the others to shame.

The amount of times I've thought about giving up this sem equates to more than the total of the other 5 sems put together. That itself is really ironic since this is the final semester and if I give up, that would be just so fucking dumb. Sure, Year 2 was tough, but somehow I wasn't this affected. Year 2, I kept feeling like I was dying, but nowadays I constantly feel like I'm already dead, if that even makes sense. I just don't have any motivation at all, nothing to keep me going and that's such a drag.

My mum warned me about Mass Comm, how tough it would be and how shitty it will get. But I went along with it anyway, being the stubborn person that strives to prove her sef-worth, wanting to show the world that she can do it. Sure, Mass Comm helped me grow up quite a bit and let me meet all sorts, and I mean ALL sorts of people.. I'm quite thankful for that. But it also showed me how easy it is to make or break friendships. No more of those "oooh let's stay friends forever!" or all the "let's share everything and help each other out!" crap, those are for secondary school. Now it's just "I'm friends with you now, because I need your help. We'll see about later." or "Sorry, I can't lend you my work for referencing, what if you score better than me?"

For a person that values friendships like me, I find that really absolutely fucking annoying and after 3 years of Mass Comm, I find it hard to trust anyone nowadays. Especially the work lending part, I do not fucking understand that concept because how the fuck would anyone benefit from other people scoring lower than them? Isn't it better if everyone could get high grades? Aren't friends supposed to help each other out? .. Oh wait, I forgot, you're not friends when you don't need their help. I'm not saying all of them are like that, but there are quite a few, and most people in MCM know it, just nobody is saying anything about it. I was going to keep quiet until one day, my grandma came up to me and told me the EXACT same things. She told me not to lend my work to others, just make sure I benefit myself.. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT!? I got so fucking irritated I went into my room and slammed the door shut.

On the topic of friendships, I was just telling someone yesterday night that I think there's something wrong with me. I can't keep my close friends for long and sooner or later, we either fall out really badly or we just drift apart. Or in HER case.. she just.. okay let's not go there. Maybe I'm viewing friendship as all too high and mighty, but for someone like me without a closely-knit family, friends are all I have. I think back on all these lost friendships and I just feel like it was such a waste and then I start blaming myself for possibly causing these splits. Anyway I think that's why I'm being so wary nowadays, I try to think so much before I speak that even conversing is becoming a stressful chore. This fear of offending someone unknowingly is just slowly eating away at me. I cannot.. fucking stand.. being ignored.. without knowing what the fuck is going on. Still on friends, I am trying to place the idea of losing my close friends after graduation to the back of my head. But evidently, it is not fucking working. It's already confirmed that a few will be leaving and as much as I am happy for them, I am also hating the whole notion. What a contradicting person I am.

Then comes the stress of deciding what to embark on for the next chapter of my life. I know I'm going to work, but as what? And will anyone employ me? Will I get to do what I want? Do I start sourcing now? How do I apply? What if I'm really bad at it? What if I get nowhere in life? Just endless... ENDLESS.. questions popping up in my mind. I hate feeling uncertain or unsure, I need some kind of confirmation. I think this is why instead of sleeping, I am here blogging at almost 3am.. I cannot fucking sleep because in my mind, my future seems pitch black.

You know what would be funny? .. Me failing something this sem and ending up having to stay back one sem. I really think I would laugh my fucking ass off. And seeing as how things are going, that possibility doesn't seem too far-fetched, hah.

Sometimes, I really question why humans strive so hard to live. We come into this world, slog with education, get compared to other people and stress ourselves out, then go out to work, stress ourselves again and then continue to slog till we die. Seems a little pointless, no? I know, I know, those of you going "No! Enjoy the little things that make you happy in life!" or "No, it's the process that matters!" .. I've heard those things all too much. But you cannot disagree, everything boils down to my view on life. So what if you do something great and get recognised as an important person in history? Do you not die? No. Do you go to the same place as everyone else that dies? Yes. In fact, you risk dying even earlier, but that's another story.

Ahhh, if it wasn't for my family.. If only I wasn't worried about how they'd feel... I think I would've killed myself by now. This is not a random emo statement, my view on life has ALWAYS been like this since late primary/early secondary, ever since I was old enough to ponder about life and make decisions. Friends made me thankful I was alive, but seeing as how things are going between my friends and I now.. It makes no difference whether I'm here or not. Call me emo, call me whatever, but I really want to end it, get it over and done with, rather than live a boring life for the next 50 years or so. Sometimes I even hope accidents happen to me ~~rather than people around me~~ so I can die and it won't be my fault. I must've at least come up with hundreds of creative ways to die in my mind since I was maybe about 13? But I think I'd still opt for the quick and painless ones.

no where, at all. 2:01 am

Friday, January 02, 2009

Mmm so.. I'm pretty much screwed.

Holidays are almost over and I haven't been able to do my IS project! D: I e-mailed the teacher about it long ago and he didn't freaking reply me!! Shit man this project is 30%... I DON'T WANNA FAIL AND RETAKE STUPID IS! T_T

Staying back one sem just to retake IS would be soooooo not freaking funny please. I'd slap myself a thousand times over if that happens. No wait! Choy choy choy! IT WON'T HAPPEN! I won't let it fucking happen! :@

Argh, I'll do something about it.... somehow.

School things aside, I'm really amazed because those crazy japanese people have done it again. I really don't know how they come up with silly but still shocking stuff like this: