Friday, February 15, 2008

Now MRM is over and all that's left is Advertising until we get our well deserved break from school. I should be relieved since that's one hurdle down and only one more to go but right at this moment, I find it hard to rejoice because.. I have a confession. But it's gonna be long, don't say I didn't warn. =/

I feel as if I'm driving on a rainy night. On this never-ending road that's always having road works and I can't see what's ahead of me. Only able to try my best to avoid or knock down the obstructions as they come along. Maybe that's what life is all about, maybe it's just a long run whereby you face endless difficulties and in the end, you face death. Some people choose to skip the middle parts and go straight to death, thinking it would be the easy way out and thinking it would solve all their problems. I can see why they think that way, but I don't have the courage to do what they do. I fear death. Or should I say, I fear what comes after death.

I know some might think it's a silly thought, but I do believe in life after death. I've witnessed some stuff in my dreams about what might be my afterlife and from then on, I constantly asked myself these questions: "What will happen after I die?", "Where will I go after I die?", "Who will I meet after I die?", "Will anyone grief over me?" and most importantly, "Will I see her again?"

I never used to think I was alone because I had a soul mate. Someone I was lucky enough to meet so early into my life. Sure, I still felt like I was driving on a never-ending road, but at least, I had a companion sitting beside me in the passenger seat, talking to me while I drive, keeping me awake so I won't get into an accident, cheering me up when I'm stumped by an obstacle and sharing joy with me as I overcome yet another obstacle.

Life has never been the same without you.

I lost all faith in justice because if there were justice, you wouldn't be gone and he wouldn't be let off so lightly.

I lost all faith in religion because if there were gods, they wouldn't let something happen to someone like you.

I lost all faith in friendships because what can I say, you're irreplaceable and I'll never be able to be as close to someone else.

I lost all faith in trust because you promised you'd wait for me to return and we'd talk about my trip, but you were gone.

I lost all faith in self-confidence because you were my source of confidence in it's totality.

I lost all faith.

Whenever something would happen at home or anywhere else for that matter, you'd be the first person I go to. And you'd do the same if anything happened to you. We never got sick of talking to each other, much to the amazement of our parents, since we talk almost everyday for hours and hours. It's like we never run out of stuff to say to each other. Right now, I just feel like I have nobody to talk to anymore. Whenever I try to say something to someone, there's like this force holding me back, not letting me share what I really feel to anyone and not long after, I'll forget what I wanted to share and I'm back to square one. It's not that I want to brood, I've tried hard to let go, I really have. But It's like I can't advance. It's like I can't move on. It's like I can't forget.

I just can't let go somehow and I have nobody.

I feel like I'm really fake. It all started as I entered poly, if I remember correctly. But you were the only one who knew of that, and you were the only one whom I was comfortable being myself around. I feel like I have this facade that I can't help but feel obliged to keep up, this image of a happy-go-lucky girl that jokes every 3 minutes. I don't know who I'm protecting by doing that because deep down, I know I'm not someone like that. On one hand I think it's because I want to protect myself and clamp myself shut. But on the other hand, I think I don't want the people around me to know who I really am. Maybe for fear of losing even more of them. But ah, I guess that makes both reasons selfish then. Maybe this is why I loathe blogging sometimes, because blogging tends to let me bring out the real me, which I try so hard to keep in when in the real world. There's just something about the virtual world, this amazing ability, that makes people reveal their true selves.

But here, today, I confess.

I'm sorry if you had to read this long emo post. But after witnessing some stuff today, I realised that I'm really tired. Really tired of keeping this false pretense up. Now you see the real me. Of course, not everything about me has been fake. All the things I tell you guys, you can trust that it's real. But I'm just saying, I'm not myself. I don't know how else to express that better than those three words, "I'm not myself".

I don't know if I'll change to become more like myself but I know I'm quite reluctant. After all, who likes an emo, brooding girl?

I don't know if you guys will change your perception of me either but if it does happen, I hope it's not too much. Because trust me, I'm putting in my best effort to climb out of this deep abyss that I've fallen into.

Who knows, maybe one day, when I've successfully climbed out of here, the true me wouldn't be such a worthless emo girl after all?

no where, at all. 8:28 pm

about the girl.

Friday, February 15, 2008

next best thing to kbox: cbox.

the past that haunts her.

thanks.